25 before 25

25 Things I Want Before I Turn 25.
(in no specific order)

1. lose 10 pounds
2. learn to cook
3. learn to grocery shop
4. become crafty
5. make all the cute house-y things i've pinned on pinterest
6. become creative
7. decorate my apartment all cute and adorable like i want it to be according to pinterest
8. have style like all my pinterest boards
9. have the closet to make that style happen
10. a place to live with my husband without a roommate (sorry scott)
11. a household budget that is followed
12. money in my savings account
13. both of our cars paid off
14. my gap card paid off
15. my stress level to decrease
16. my dream job to fall into my lap like its seemed to for everyone else on my facebook feed
17. the ability to stop comparing myself to everyone else
18. the sorcerer's stone so everyone i love can live forever
19. the ability to think deep thoughts again
20. a day of conversations that dont include poopy diapers
21. better discernment
22. all of my friends to move back to nashville (and for my favorite married couple -who i may or may not look up to and want to be when i grow up-to not take their cutie babies that i'm obsessed with and love more than anything to denver and leave me and marty crying)
23. steadfast faith that i rely on 11145858%
24. a deeper walk with Jesus (cheesy, i know, but i'm always failing big time)
25. maturity to not make silly lists like this the week before my birthday

whiny.

i cannot even lie.

every time i end a "season" (i find it very trite to refer to periods of time during your life as "seasons", but no one has invented a new word for it yet so i have to use it), i think to myself, "whew! that was the worst! at least things will never be that bad again!"

and then guess what happens? the next "season" is WORSE.
i know i'm a little dramatic, but this is the truth. at least since i decided to not follow my life plan and move to wake forest the other fall ago. don't get me wrong, i'm happy and i feel blessed, but geez. can't a girl get a break?

i think a lot of this has to do with that age old quote, "comparison is the thief of joy." (google is telling me that theodore roosevelt said this, which makes me hate myself a little more because i thought it was a proverb. some seminary student i am.) roosevelt was a genius in my book for saying this, though i'm not quite sure what he had to be upset about. he was a great hunter and he bushwacked his way through panama for that canal. and then there's that small detail of being the youngest and one of the best presidents. i'm thinking he was pretty set and had much to be joyful about. (also, lets talk about his sweet mustache. that in and of itself was an accomplishment)

i, however, am not. and its mostly because comparing has stolen my joy.
it seems like everyone i grew up with or went to college with has their s**t together-buying houses, having babies (not that i want one of those); and i'm just over here all like "hey i quit following my dream and i teach two year olds how to pee in the potty." its awful.

and i know i'm good at my job and i know i have lots to be proud of, but when you compare it to everyone else i'm a total loser. and if you know me in the least you know i cant stand losing. can NOT stand it. i'm so tired of seeing all of these people just being handed jobs, when i feel like i've been working my rear end off to be this well rounded person and its gotten me NO WHERE. what gives? yes, i know that God is in the middle of all of this, but he could say "hey"every once in a while because i'm over here stressed out and floundering.

thats all. the purpose of this post was only to whine.

oh and i'm thinking of starting a fashion blog. like a look for less type deal. because currently the thing i'm most proud of are my 5 pairs of 7 for all mankind jeans that were all really cheap.
this is my life people.
feel free to compare it and let it boost your joy.
i'll be over here potty training some kids.
living the dream.

2012.

clearly, i'm not as cut out to be a blogger as i once thought i was, considering its been since march that i've even logged into this thing. i don't know about y'all, but i just don't have a ton to say. and what i do  "need" to say, i can usually sum up into 140 characters or less. if its more than that, i can usually cut it down to a succinct facebook post. however, now as the year is ending, my head is swimming with an inappropriate number of deep thoughts for my twitter and facebook accounts. (i sort of pride myself on keeping things light and comedic on social media. no one wants a debbie downer filling their feeds, you know? though i will admit, i have been whiney and complain-y the last few months. but hopefully with a bitting sarcastic overtone that covers the whines.)

with that being said, when i think about 2012, i dont think about specific memories. lets be honest, most of my year kind of led up to one major life event. and all of the things surrounding august 11 make me a little teary eyed. i think the rascal flatts' song "here" perfectly summarizes the emotional rollercoster that i felt this last year to be. this year has definitely been all about love. so many people love marty and i, and as trite as it sounds, we are truly blessed to be so surrounded by encouraging and loving people who take care of us and help us pursue the best things in life. i went to FIVE bridal showers/parties in our honor. and we invited almost 800 people to our wedding, of which almost 350 attended. thats a big deal.

however, dont read this and think that i look back at this year and only see butterflies and roses, because i dont at all. this has been one of the most challenging and difficult years of my life. it has just seemed like nothing has gone right at all. i started my attempt at blogging because my life was going in a 10000% unplanned direction, so i guess this year was just par for the course. but, when i look back at this last year-the friends i have, the marriage i have, the job i have-all of it, i can honestly say today, on the last day of the year, that i am happy. had my life gone a different direction a year or two ago, i wouldnt have all of the things (people/friendships) that i value most. and thats how you measure wealth, right?

bring it on 2013. i think i'm ready to take you on.

weather.

i really cant put into words what warm weather does for my soul. don't get me wrong i can totally get on board with what every season has to offer, but the warm ones are where im happiest-especially the transition seasons. that first moment in early october when it's no longer humid and the leaves begin to change and the moment in march (or february this year) when it's warm enough to just be outside, those have got to be my favorites. it's in those moments, i know god is preparing my heart for another great season of life.

if you know me even a little, you know im ridiculously nostalgic and i love going down memory lane. the beginning and ending of the different seasons is always such a time of reflection for me of where ive been, where i went, and where i can go. and every single significantly amazingly happy thing has happened in my life during these moments.

i was blessed to get to spend all of yesterday looking at a lake. and if anything stirs up reflection for me, it's large bodies of water. bonus points if mountains are near (which they are here). ive spent the whole day playing with eli and thinking back to so many summer memories. i miss the past. i miss the days when i thought i had everything figured out. but in the midst of all of my confusion and fear about the future, god is always there, painting this picture, and reminding me whos bigger.

so, i get four paychecks now.

i've come to the realization that sending resumes and applying for jobs has become a more of a hobby rather than an actual productive activity. for starters, when you read a job description and it sounds like its something you want to do, you get excited. your emotions get involved, you start planning what your life would be like once you've gotten the job, etc. but then, of course, whomever you sent your resume/application to doesnt feel the need to even ackowledge that you exist on this earth, let alone could possibly be qualified for their open position. so then you get upset and hurt and all of those things. but, if sending your resume is just a hobby, then its just something else you've done that day instead of something potentially life changing. hopes dont get high, resulting in a completely happy disposition 82% of the time.

you might say, "82%? thats a pretty high number for someone who's college degree cost more than most houses and who is now making less than a high schooler that works at abercrombie. how are you 82% happy?"

well, i'll tell you (these are in no particular order):
1. my parents are somehow, by some miracle, still letting me live rent-free. my only bills are for my gap credit card, my phone, and my car. and 2 of those bills i pay to actual companies, the other i pay to my parents. because again, they rock and bought my car for me so i dont have to be in real debt.

2. i get to get married in like, 5 months. which is awesome enough it gets a sub list:
a. have you met marty? its kind of impossible to not be a little happy around him if you know him.
b. we just bought a mattress since both of ours have that huge "we havent flipped our mattress enough" hole in the middle of them. so i'm excited to get to sleep on my new mattress.
c. we get to combine both of our really tiny and small incomes to make one slightly live-off able income.
d. if i want to leave my house at 1 AM and go to waffle house, i will get to do so without disturbing anyone and/or getting yelled at upon my return. (this is unless i dont invite marty. he would probably be upset if i did such a thing without him)
e. i can make a grocery list. because lets be honest, i really only eat think thin bars, oatmeal, cheerios, and starbucks breakfast sandwiches. i can remember those things without a list. but i think marty likes to eat real food.

3. all four of my jobs rock. again, meritting a sub list.
a. starbucks, which basically deserves an entire post devoted to all of the things i love about working here. i'll keep it brief and summarize to these things: i work with/see all of my favorite people. i get to drink caffeine all day long. i get to run my mouth and chat all day about random stuff because its part of my job.
b. fbc. yes, i still work at church. i cant get away. no need to explain why i love fbc. i think its been public knowledge since 2008.
c. ainsleigh and xavier. they're 8 year olds that i get to treat like the extra set of little baby siblings i never got to have. we laugh together, and fight like we're related. and they're a great excuse to have sweet ceces on tuesdays and thursdays (except during lent of course).
d. spring tour nanny. this is the one most people probably dont know about yet. brief summary: one of marty's friends plays bass for a christian artist who's husband is in her band who needs a nanny for her kid while they're on spring tour. so basically, i play with an 18 month old all day long and read books while he's asleep. all on a tour bus, all over the country.

4. all four of my friends rock. so i probably have more friends than that. maybe not, idk. the point is, i have great friends. end of story.

so thats how i can remain 82% happy whilst living a post grad life making zero money, doing none of the things i had thought i'd be doing by now. obviously, nothing is perfect and sometimes things go wrong, which accounts for the other 18% of happiness. but thats where my gap credit card comes into play, hence why i could have probably purchased a small island in the carribean with the amount of money i've thrown at the gap in retail therapy since i got that thing.

recently.

i'm just going to throw this out there...job searching SUCKS.
i feel like i've been baited, hooked, and released so many times in the last few weeks. i'm trying so hard to be patient and trust, but boy oh boy is it difficult.

i'm just ready to grow up.
this whole last year, when i was waiting around and gearing up for this epic life changing move that didnt happen, made me feel so awkward about my life. i was in such an in between that i became restless and resentful. well, that epic life changing move didnt happen, and here i sit still feeling awkward and stuck. it seems like the solution should be easy. i have a teaching degree (and  have the certification to accompany it), so why dont i just teach? and if i have to answer that question one more time, i will probably start pulling my hair out. the thought of teaching gives me an ulcer. its not my calling. dont get me wrong, i LOVED being in the classroom during all of our clinicals, internships, student teaching, and all those other 1000s of classroom hours during my time at samford.

but lets be real, i really just wanted to be those kids best friend and i thrived off of the position of half-authority we had in the classroom. i didnt have to punish anyone, i could just be their bff. and thats how i know my heart is in ministry, because my passion is relationship building/sustaining, NOT discipline and structure and all the gross stuff that goes along with being a typical classroom teacher.

i'm still not quite sure what i want my official "career" to be. i am beginning to think i always want to have my hand in several different "buckets", because i love being busy and i love having lots of variety in my life. i do know this though: the world needs to get a better grip on this whole philosophy of "you need experience so thats why we arent hiring you." how in the hee haw do you expect me to get experience if you dont give me experience?!

wenches.

in other news, i had the pleasure of spending the 22nd anniversary of miss emily grace goins' birth with her in good ole fayetteville, arkansas.
what a stinking fantastic day that was.

the catfish hole..and arkansan must apparently!

becca's first catfish eating experience!

AND martin had a birthday, too! he's an old man. sorta.

get it....2 and 6....26!

we celebrated at chuy's with coordinated outfits, my parents, and the green chile super hero man. classy.

for the record, i feel very blessed through all of this awkward.
as franny says, "in the middle of my little mess, i forget how big i'm blessed."

the great job search of 2011

when i decided to quit my full time seminary student career before it started, i more or less had a panic attack about what my "job" would be. i mean, i love love LOVE working at the bucks, but lets be real-i can't do that the rest of my life.

at one point in this process, i had options. almost too many options.
and now i havent heard a peep from anyone, in almost a week.

so, in short,
HHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP.