george ed.

let me start this off by saying that if my dad ever gets wind of the fact that i wrote a blog about my grandad's death, he may shoot me. so there's that.



death is a funny thing isnt it?

when my grandmother died, it was a fairly quick and unexpected process. we knew she was sick, we just didnt know how sick. i was a hot mess. a train wreck to be more accurate. i cried for months. MONTHS. my mimi was just the best. i wont elaborate too much more on that sweet lady, because frankly this blog post isnt about her, but just know she was awesome. and i'm sad everyone didn't get the chance to know her (but i'm also glad i didnt have to share her with many).

but yesterday, when my precious grandad (george edwin daniels) passed away, i knew it was coming. and i'm still a train wreck.
but its different.
i'm having a really difficult time expressing my sadness, because so much of my sadness is grounded in thankfulness that we had the time that we did. when marty and i were on our honeymoon, i got a phone call telling me that the doctors had given grandad about two weeks. talk about trainwreck. i couldnt breathe. we almost left disney world-DISNEY WORLD-to come home to be with him. we ended up staying, and i prepared myself for THE goodbye upon our return. ends up though, my stubborn grandad rallied, and he made it 8 more months in this world than originally expected.

these last 8 months have been so sweet. strange, but sweet. it was hard to sit at cracker barrel on thanksgiving morning knowing it was the last time we did that. it was upsetting to go to fazolis for his birthday, knowing that would be the last birthday party. i almost cried all through christmas morning breakfast because i was so happy to sit there with him, and so sad i wouldnt ever get to again. we even celebrated my birthday early with them at hospice, and had those typical "on the night you were born" conversations. but it was the last time.

even leaving hospice after each visit was hard towards the end. you can read all the information about what "the end" looks like, but its so different for each person. you also can never really tell whats going on in someone's mind, and i'm a firm believer that in situations like my grandad's, being ready to die is an important step.

each hello went the same:
hey grandad!!
hey sweetheart, how are you doing?
i'm fine, grandad, how are YOU doing?
oh i'm fine, honey, just fine. where's marty? is he at work? (my memaw and grandad LOVE marty. LOVE him)

we would chit chat about my day with the kiddos, or try and solve the puzzle on wheel of fortune, or just sit. he would hold my hand tight, or just sit there and pat it (which drove me crazy as a kid). i never stayed too long, which i regret. i'm a weenie. a big weenie. and the reality of the situation always caught up with me and i never wanted him to see me crying.

each goodbye went the same too:
grandad, i gotta go get ready for bed. i love you.
i love you honey. you tell marty i said hi and to come see me.
of course grandad. i'll come see you soon. i love you.
i love you sweetheart.

i wish i had a recording of those i love yous. my grandad had a very distinct, strong, southern voice. even has his voice got weaker, and he was barely able to talk, it was distinct, strong, and comforting.

i could go on and on with story after story about the extremely stubborn and ornery, but also sweet and gentle and playful man that was my grandad, but i think my memaw said it best yesterday morning when marty and i got to hospice. "he was a sweet grandad, who loved you more than you can know." and she's so right. he really was a sweet grandad. and he really did love me. even in the handful of times that he yelled at me for doing something that he thought i was doing wrong, (my favorites are the time he didnt understand what seminary or children's ministry was, and when i made marty hang his own clothes up the week after we got married) i never once wondered if he really did love me. i wish i could bottle up and keep forever the look of joy in his eyes whenever my sister and i walked through the door. i wish i could just hear one more "now, honey" or "there's grandad's girl." i would give anything to get my leg patted or pinched or anything else he did to pick on us.

he was a sweet grandad. and he loved me more than i could know. and i loved him more than he could know, too.

i love you grandad, i'll come see you soon.

25 before 25

25 Things I Want Before I Turn 25.
(in no specific order)

1. lose 10 pounds
2. learn to cook
3. learn to grocery shop
4. become crafty
5. make all the cute house-y things i've pinned on pinterest
6. become creative
7. decorate my apartment all cute and adorable like i want it to be according to pinterest
8. have style like all my pinterest boards
9. have the closet to make that style happen
10. a place to live with my husband without a roommate (sorry scott)
11. a household budget that is followed
12. money in my savings account
13. both of our cars paid off
14. my gap card paid off
15. my stress level to decrease
16. my dream job to fall into my lap like its seemed to for everyone else on my facebook feed
17. the ability to stop comparing myself to everyone else
18. the sorcerer's stone so everyone i love can live forever
19. the ability to think deep thoughts again
20. a day of conversations that dont include poopy diapers
21. better discernment
22. all of my friends to move back to nashville (and for my favorite married couple -who i may or may not look up to and want to be when i grow up-to not take their cutie babies that i'm obsessed with and love more than anything to denver and leave me and marty crying)
23. steadfast faith that i rely on 11145858%
24. a deeper walk with Jesus (cheesy, i know, but i'm always failing big time)
25. maturity to not make silly lists like this the week before my birthday

whiny.

i cannot even lie.

every time i end a "season" (i find it very trite to refer to periods of time during your life as "seasons", but no one has invented a new word for it yet so i have to use it), i think to myself, "whew! that was the worst! at least things will never be that bad again!"

and then guess what happens? the next "season" is WORSE.
i know i'm a little dramatic, but this is the truth. at least since i decided to not follow my life plan and move to wake forest the other fall ago. don't get me wrong, i'm happy and i feel blessed, but geez. can't a girl get a break?

i think a lot of this has to do with that age old quote, "comparison is the thief of joy." (google is telling me that theodore roosevelt said this, which makes me hate myself a little more because i thought it was a proverb. some seminary student i am.) roosevelt was a genius in my book for saying this, though i'm not quite sure what he had to be upset about. he was a great hunter and he bushwacked his way through panama for that canal. and then there's that small detail of being the youngest and one of the best presidents. i'm thinking he was pretty set and had much to be joyful about. (also, lets talk about his sweet mustache. that in and of itself was an accomplishment)

i, however, am not. and its mostly because comparing has stolen my joy.
it seems like everyone i grew up with or went to college with has their s**t together-buying houses, having babies (not that i want one of those); and i'm just over here all like "hey i quit following my dream and i teach two year olds how to pee in the potty." its awful.

and i know i'm good at my job and i know i have lots to be proud of, but when you compare it to everyone else i'm a total loser. and if you know me in the least you know i cant stand losing. can NOT stand it. i'm so tired of seeing all of these people just being handed jobs, when i feel like i've been working my rear end off to be this well rounded person and its gotten me NO WHERE. what gives? yes, i know that God is in the middle of all of this, but he could say "hey"every once in a while because i'm over here stressed out and floundering.

thats all. the purpose of this post was only to whine.

oh and i'm thinking of starting a fashion blog. like a look for less type deal. because currently the thing i'm most proud of are my 5 pairs of 7 for all mankind jeans that were all really cheap.
this is my life people.
feel free to compare it and let it boost your joy.
i'll be over here potty training some kids.
living the dream.